apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
