Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
