I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
