did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
