I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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