Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
