I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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