Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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