When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We just shotgunned beers for America
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
