happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize