I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
