I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
