things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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