Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
