she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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