Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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