she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
