If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
