Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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