You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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