I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
