Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize