he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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