Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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