She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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