it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
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