nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
