im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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