yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
