I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
