glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
