if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
