I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You left your phone here
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