I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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