youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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