fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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