Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
