The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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