so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
