Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
