perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
