i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
