They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
