why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
