dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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