There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
