GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
