Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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