phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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