my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
