wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
