you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
