Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
