the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
