my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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