Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
