I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
