I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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