I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
