mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
